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Top 21 Rules on How to Tour in a Band or Whatever.

Here Is a quicky. I grabbed this from the Metal Sludge website. It was written by a touring musician. If you tour you’ll understand it. If you don’t then you’ll see the dynamic of touring in a van with the rest of the band and crew. It’s not a pretty article, but he’s totally right and brings up many thing’s we’ve talked about before. SO with that said, I copied and pasted it. There is plenty of foul language, so be warned.

Written by Thor Harris

How to Tour in a Band or Whatever

1-Don’t Complain. Bitching, moaning, whining is tour cancer. If something is wrong fix it or shut the fuck up you fucking dick. God-damn.

2-If you fart, claim it.

3-Don’t lose shit. Everybody loses shit. Don’t fucking do it. Asshole.

4-Don’t fuck anyone in the band. There are tons of people to fuck who are not in this band. Dumb-ass.

5-If you feel like shit all the time, drink less beer at the gig. You will play better & feel better. What are you… a child? Some have the endurance for self abuse. Most don’t.

6-Remember the soundman’s name. He will do a better job.

7- Eat oranges. Cures constipation & prevents colds.

8-Masturbate. Duh… Where & when? Be creative. You’re an artist right?

9-If YOU can’t carry your suitcase 3 blocks, it’s too god-damn big.

10-Respect public space in the van. Don’t clutter, you Fuck.

11-If you borrow something, return it. Not Fucked Up.

12-Do not let the promoter dick you or talk you out of the guarantee. If there were not enough people there, it’s their fault.

13- Driver picks the music.

14-One navigator only (usually sitting shotgun). Everyone else shut the fuck up.

15-Sound check is for checking sounds. Shut the fuck up while everyone else is checking.

16-Don’t wander off. Let someone know where you are.

17-Clean up after yourself. What are you… a god-damn toddler?

18-Touring makes everyone bi-polar. Ride the waves as best you can and remember, moods pass. So don’t make any snap decisions or declarations when you are drunk or insane.

19-Fast food is Poison.

20-The guest list is for friends, family & people you might want to fuck. Everyone else can pay. They have day jobs.

21- Don’t evaluate your whole life while you’re sitting in a janitor closet waiting to go on. You think you’re above having shitty days at work? Shut up & do your god-damn job.

This list was written under the influence of lots of esspresso & anti-depressants while on tour w/ such greats as Shearwater, Swans, Smog, Lisa Germano, Angels of Light, Bill Callahan & many more. I hope this list will help you get along w/ your co-workers whatever your job is. Contributions to the list by Jordan Geiger, Kimberly Burke, Brian Orloff, Brian Phillips Celebrity Gang Bang, Kevin Schneider, Jonathan Meiburg, Michael Gira and some other folks.

Thanks for not being an asshole, Thor Harris

Now for my part. Corny and as staged as this video is there are plenty of real moments. The scene at the end where the dressing room is in a locker room, the van, the hotel, take away the plane and the tour bus and you pretty much have it. Now go see a million faces and rock them all!

You have downloaded my CD right? I need the money.

About Strip Club Bouncer

Under employed and needing work, I take a job as a security man (bouncer) at a seedy little strip club. This is my story

One response to “Top 21 Rules on How to Tour in a Band or Whatever.

  1. Pingback: Episode 12: Beers on a Budget + Hangover Cures - Beer Republic

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